/the testimony/.../

/what have i become/?/
/my only friend/.../i have lost the one who was everything to me/i have pushed everyone else away/i love the fact that they care about me yet deep down detest it and am so happy with the pain/i often wish they would all go away and cause me pain/the pain is familiar/comforting/i know it/i am used to it/why am i so paranoid of happiness/?/i always think that it can/t be/they are all out to get me/this is only temporary/they will leave/and the darkness will come back/i will drown in it/above me the light is growing smaller/i am sinking further/everyday i drop that little bit more/i fall down/further/i am almost out of reach/i am almost beyond all help and recognition/everyone i know goes away in the end/adam has been such a help to me but/he has cared for me/got me through the night/expelled the water in my lungs/he was the only one there for me out of my friends for ben/s service/he came down to cronulla and held me/just held me/no one else did that/no one else even rang/no one has rang/at all/all holidays/i have had to ring them/and even then every word is poison/i see underlying malice in everything/i was told that one of my friends was desperate to see me/they went to a movie instead/even though i don/t mind/it is inevitable in the end afterall/it still hurts/it always hurts/and even though i like the pain/the pain that is so familiar/it still rips through my being like a jagged edge/everytime i am let down i feel it like burning knives/hot pokers/icy cold waves/i want to sink/i want to sink so much/i want to drown/feel my lungs fill with water/feel my heart beat wildly for minutes then slowly give up and stop beating/i want to hear the blood pounding in my ears/i want to feel my skin get soggy and loose shape/until i am just another bag of bones/on the bottom of the ocean/i want to die/i long for closure/i long to be released from this agony/but he messes with my plans/last sunday i was followed home by warren/the things he did when he caught up with me/i was rendered numb/i sat on the bench across from the playground for minutes and minutes/but it seemed like an eternity/at first i wished i had credit so i could call someone for help/maybe andy who has it drummed into me he would come and get me if i needed him/i wished that someone had forced me to get a lift/instead of letting me walk home alone/as usual i cried the entire way home/i can/t do this i realised/i realised that i wanted warren to kill me/i wanted it/i knew that if there was a car on the way home that i had seen i would have thrown myself in front of it/this is the feeling i always get when i walk home/i want someone to come and drag me into their car/rape me/kill me/abuse me/treat me how i deserve/eachtime i am left disappointed/my depression has gotten severely bad/but i can/t go back on antidepressants/i haven/t taken them since i od/d/the taste of them in my mouth makes me feel like i will throw up/i want to die i just lack the courage to go through with it/at least i do with my utensils/how i wish i had that knife of bianca/s/she knew what i was good for/she did the bestest thing anyone could have done for me/she made me realise all these months later that no matter what happens nothing matters in the end/there is no heaven above the sky/no hell beneath the sea/when we die all will be black but not you lying there for all eternity thinking how bored are you/you will cease to be/you will not be aware of it/and that to me is so scary/but you must conquer your fears/you must die to conquer death/
/everything anyone says hurts/everything everyone does hurts/everything i say and do slowly kills me/i was not meant for this life/if only i was brave/if only i was strong/adam has told me so often that i am strong/if only he really knew the real me/i am weak/i am not strong/i owe ben a life/my life/he died/so must i/but not now/but soon/yes soon/when i find an appropriate method/
/soon/.../